The Gift of Self-Compassion
Mothers all around the world experience the phenomenon of wishing they could do more for their children. It’s a strange sense that one has not done enough— given enough time, parented well in a particular situation, etc.— carrying a subtle or sometimes overwhelming experience of failing in some way. While there will always be new experiences we’ve never encountered before in parenting, the ‘not enough’ syndrome is palpable and familiar to many; not just moms.
No book can ever prepare us for perfect parenting. Each individual being, baby and child, have their uniqueness, temperament, and particular needs/wants. These are learned along the way, the path of parenting each child. And if you’ve had more than one child, the knowledge and experience of your initial child will foster a slightly more robust sense of wisdom.
Yet, the feeling that we could and should be doing more for our children can sometimes linger and prevent us from enjoying the fruits of our labor, thus not being fully present with the richness of parenting. Some mothers may feel guilty going out, feeling that they’re doing something wrong by taking time for themselves. This— a subtle, strange phenomena —is normal. Many parents who have walked through my therapy doors or virtual screen have conveyed this experience once or continue to feel stuck in it. The good news is, you’re not alone, and this feeling doesn’t have to eclipse your joy or pride in parenting.
It can be a reminder that :
1) you are thoughtful and caring, wanting the very best for your offspring.
2) that you are looking within. That’s a double plus! You are already a good enough parent just by thinking, inquiring, considering, and acknowledging there’s another you’re caring for. Additionally, those who actively explore self-growth and examine their behaviors and thoughts are on the right path to self-mastery. You’re doing the hard work!
So how do we move past the ‘not enough syndrome?’
Good question. It’s taken me some time to truly accept that my concern for my child’s well-being is not a problem. Additionally, a little bit more time and practice accepting that a happy mom equal a happy child. We’ve all heard this, but what does it mean? Well, it starts by offering ourselves the acknowledgment—when we remember— that we are doing enough, even on the most challenging of days. It takes a village to raise a child, and if you’re doing it on your own or with a partner, you’re taking on the most challenging task one can ever take on in this life. And for that, you deserve to hear and feel the truth— you are enough!
Not only are you enough, but it is okay to make mistakes. Making a mistake as a parent offers a tremendous opportunity for repair and learning. Admitting we’ve faltered in some way and modeling that we acknowledge this to our children fosters trust and healthy self-esteem in our children and ourselves. Second, offering space and communication when possible to repair a relationship, especially with our children, is another potential for growth, reflection, honesty, and warmth.
Big secret: our children don’t expect us to be perfect.
In fact, research shows that modeling is one of the behaviors that help raise healthy children. Self-compassion goes a long way not just for Mother’s Day but every day. This is an invitation to take moments to pause and reflect on all the things you’ve done today for yourself and your child. Pause right now... breath... inhale... exhale and say aloud, “I am enough, and I am doing a good enough job.” Sense what that feels like, how that resonates in your body as you say this aloud. Notice... what’s happening and, repeat!
Compassion is the foundation for which we can feel and offer love.
Compassion is having a sense of what another feels or has been through—and inviting curiosity and kindness to this understanding, without judgment. Compassion is human, universal and part of the feeling, giving, and receiving love. When we can genuinely pause, soften the body’s tension, there’s spaciousness for tenderness that always follows. Here, in this spaciousness (even for a few seconds), we can genuinely access compassion for the self /others. Living in a stressful contracted body disembodies us, and we seek refuge in our thoughts. This is not where compassion is found. Yes, affirmations will solidify the feeling, but it is in our bodies that we drop into to feel and believe that we ARE GOOD ENOUGH indeed.
This Mother’s Day, take a moment to pause or even relax. Mentally try this or journal all the things you’ve done well as a parent. Take a moment to pause, breathe and soften your muscles. And allow yourself to experience the felt sense of being enough.
Self-Compassion, kindness, and love are cultivated through practice. The truth of this is a felt sense, and it feels so nourishing and delicious.
“Truth is not conceptual. We can never understand or realize it through concepts and ideas. Truth is not to be understood. Rather, it is meant to be experienced, tasted, like nectar. There is nothing to understand about nectar. One must taste it, drink it, and experience it. The truth is like that.”
–Anam Thupten